I called my mentor for advice about someone that was frustrating me this weekend. She said, “The question isn’t why are you disturbed. The question is why you are disturbable.”
Most of us spend a lot of time explaining our disturbances. We explain why that comment bothered us, why that feedback felt unfair, or why that decision upset the team. We analyze the disturbance, unpack it, narrate it, and justify our reaction to it. The disturbance becomes the story.
But when I called to get advice about this other person, my mentor redirected the question in a way that was uncomfortable but clarifying. She moved my focus away from the disturbance and toward my own capacity to be disturbed by it.
Often what disturbs us has less to do with the event or the person and more to do with what we were expecting. We had a picture in our head of how things were going to go and reality did not meet our expectations.
Whose fault is that?
Another great line from my mentor is that “expectations are just resentments in the making.”
You set the tone of the organization you lead. People watch the leader to determine how serious something is. When you become easily rattled, people feel it. The opposite dynamic is also true. Leaders who are difficult to disturb create stability around them. They can hear criticism without getting defensive and face uncertainty without spiraling into urgency. They remain undisturbable and that steadiness spreads outward. It also means they remain adaptable. When we are not attached to our expectations, we remain ready to adjust as reality surprises us.
In moments of tension or disappointment, the instinct is to analyze the event. Leaders ask why the target was missed, why the message landed poorly, or why the team reacted the way they did. Those questions are useful. But there’s plenty of work being done on “closing the gap.” When you become absorbed in the disturbance itself, you are missing an opportunity.
A more profound question that rarely gets asked is:
Why was I disturbable by this?
This is the deeper work. In Surrender to Lead, we introduce the SHIFT model. Step one is stop fighting reality. To resist the way things are because they don’t meet your expectations is simply being unnecessarily disturbable. Step two is have faith. To operate from faith instead of fear is to put your trust into something other than yourself. Faith that the work will unfold as it should, that the team will grow, or just faith that you don’t have to control every variable for the right result to emerge.
When you operate from faith, disturbances lose their power. You become less disturbable.
Elsewhere in Culture
This last week on the CEO Daily Brief we talked about:
Charity and Unannounced Pressure Encouraging employees to give back can come from a good place, but within a company’s power structure even a simple request can feel like an expectation. When leaders publicly promote causes, share donation lists, or highlight participation, employees may feel pressure to give in order to avoid looking unsupportive. The question for leaders is what experience that creates and what belief it drives. In my opinion, giving should be voluntary, private, and free of signals that participation is tied to reputation or career standing. Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ceo-daily-brief-with-dr-jessica-kriegel/id1725350421?i=1000753981903 Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/episode/14blPy9caGaNp2DldSRhXR?si=554b1bfd0a424127
Three Phrases for Leading Through Uncertainty When organizations face uncertainty, silence from leadership amplifies fear. Clear communication helps people anchor themselves when the path forward is unclear. Three simple phrases can guide those conversations: what you know, what you think is likely, and what you do not know or cannot share yet. Communicating openly about certainty and uncertainty alike helps employees interpret the moment and reinforces that leadership is engaged rather than absent. Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ceo-daily-brief-with-dr-jessica-kriegel/id1725350421?i=1000754433269 Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/episode/4aevWAGgKcbnrRrFwlkCLd?si=3b2299bf798f44b7
My Personal Story About Surrender Leadership principles do not only apply at work. In one episode, I share a personal story about a car breaking down on the way to her daughter’s performance and how applying the SHIFT model changed her response in the moment. Instead of spiraling into panic about what might be wrong, she focused on accepting reality, taking the next right action, and keeping perspective. The experience became a reminder that surrender is not passive. It is the discipline of responding to reality with clarity rather than resistance. Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ceo-daily-brief-with-dr-jessica-kriegel/id1725350421 Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/episode/0CmMMOzG7NSxCjEeaAi1X0?si=0217f235ae834572
And coming up this week…
Identity Disruption and Internal Authority with My Co-Host Megan Miller Moments of uncertainty often trigger a search for external validation. When something shifts in a career, a company, or a life path, the instinct is to look for another authority to tell us what to do next. In this conversation with my co-host Megan Miller, the focus turns to what she calls identity disruption, the moment when the version of yourself that used to work no longer fits who you are becoming. Rather than interpreting that moment as failure, it may be an invitation to develop internal authority and begin choosing your next step rather than waiting to be chosen.
Listen to CEO Daily Brief with Dr. Jessica Kriegel wherever you get your podcasts.